4. Fields

Let’s put them in the field, Chris and Jessica.

They are on a blanket in the tall grass, a wooden fence behind them. The sun has gone behind the trees, but it is warm out and they are still there in the muggy air. It is still and the bugs are starting to come up, but they are not worried, they haven’t been bitten yet. Chris is leaning back on the ground, lying down and propping himself up on his for arm Jessica, who is leaning back and resting her head on his hip. She has picked a piece of grass and is peeling it into pieces. Chris is just staring off into the woods that surround the field. It is quiet but for the faint sound of a highway on the other side of the woods, invisible but humming in the background.

Their shoes are off. Their feet had become hot in their walk to the field, and they had taken them off hours ago and never put them back on.

The birds were still except for a pair chasing each other in the air where the field met the woods.

'What are you thinking about?' Jessica asked.

'What time is it?'

'What do you mean?'

'Is it time to go yet?'

'Why, do you want to?' she asked turning her head to see his face.

'No, no I don't.'

'Then why are you worrying about it?'

Chris Shrugged.

Jessica turned to look back up at the tops of the trees. 'I am a little thirsty though.'

'Did we bring enough to eat?'

'Why, are you hungry?' She asked him.

'No, not yet.'

Chris twisted the hem of the picnic blanket in his fingers. They had been quiet for awhile now.

Jessica threw the strips of grass into the air. 'So what are you going to do?'

He looked down at Jessica. 'What do you mean?'

'You seem worried, what are you going to do about it?'

'Get a job, I guess.'

Jessica wriggled her shoulders to get closer to Chris. She loved being so close to him, but she felt she needed to be even closer to comfort herself. His thoughts bred feelings in her that she didn't have names for, and hoped that they might be transmuted with intimacy to something she could bear. 'You know I can take care of you, right? This isn't a big problem.'

Chris shook his head briefly, snapping out of it. 'Yeah, I know, thanks.'

Jessica turned her body on to its side and put her hands under her head. She looked at the collar of Chris' shirt and watched him breath in and out. 'That's not what you want, though, is it?'

Chris made a little grimace. 'No, its nice. Thank you, I love you.'

'But what?'

'Well, I need my own thing, don't I?' he asked.

'Do you need your own thing.'

'Sure, I mean, I have to do something, don't I?'

Jessica grabbed her own part of the picnic blanket’s hem. 'If you want to.'

The grass was still in the late afternoon. The field was on a slight incline, and the grass had not yet been cut that year. The clearing felt shaggy, overgrown, rich in its shabbiness, yet perfect in each and every blade of grass.

Jessica's feet hung over the edge of the blanket and into the grass. The field was starting to cool and she could feel the presence of the earth underneath the vegetation. 'Do you want to live with me?' She asked.

Chris nodded. 'Yeah, eventually.'

'So why don't you just move in.'

He shook his head.

'Why not?'

He tugged at the blanket. 'I can't just move into your place, like a homeless guy.'

She shook her head. 'No, that’s not what it would mean.'

'Yes, it would be embarrassing.'

'Why?' She asked.

'We have talked about this, why are you asking me again?'

'I don't think that there is anything wrong in moving in with me.'

Chris looked down at Jessica. 'Why are you worrying about this?'

'Because I care about you.'

Chris wasn't sure what to say. He loved her, he saw her and knew that what she was saying was kind and generous, full of love and tenderness.

'It hurts when you say that it would be embarrassing, I still don’t understand what you mean.'

'It is because,' Said Chris as he reached out with his free hand to stroke her hair, 'I have to take care of you. I have to take care of me. I need money.'

'Why do you need money?'

He shrugged his shoulders as far as he could. 'Because I have to, I guess. What, you don't want me to?'

'I want you to be happy.'

'I am happy, babe, I am happy here with you.'

'Then why are you so worried?'

He laughed. 'I am not, I am here. This is wonderful, what a day.'

Jessica smiled.

'Things will sort themselves out, I am not worried.'

'You're gonna marry me, right?' She said, reaching up to touch the buttons on his shirt.

'Yeah, you know it.'

'So let's do it!' She said, sitting up.

'What do you mean?'

'Let's go do it right now.'

Chris laughed. 'I can't I've got nothing now.'

'You got nothing?'

'Yeah, I am lost, there is nothing here.'

Jessica crossed her legs in front of her and grabbed her toes with her fingers. She pulled at her big toes, then let them go. She leaned over Chris's legs and grabbed her shoes and socks from behind him.

'What are you doing?'

Jessica started to put her socks and shoes on.

'Where are you going?' He asked.

She looked up to him and tilted her head. 'Where are you going?' She replied.

'Are you leaving?'

'It's time to go, the sun is going down.'

'I'm not cold.'

She began to tie her laces.

'Where are you going, why are you upset? It's not cold yet, just relax. Be here with me, we don't need to worry about anything, it will all work out.'

'Are you gonna marry me?'

'It's all going to work out, you, you of little faith.'

Jessica lifted her head and pushed her hair behind her ear. 'I've got a lot of faith, but I also don't know what's going to happen. Faith is one thing, but it's not so easy to trust, too.'

'What you don't trust me?'

Jessica opened her purse and pulled out some lip balm. 'It's not about you, don't worry.'

'What, hey, you don't trust me?'

'Don't worry, I'm just scared.'

Chris sat up as well. 'You know, if you want to marry me, you're gonna have to trust me.'

Jessica smiled. 'I know, but it's not about you.'

'What is it about, then?'

'I trust in what's going to happen, but I am petrified?'

'Petrified?'

'The good can hurt too much, sometimes, too much.' Jessica started crying.

'You think I am going to hurt you?'

Jessica cried a little. 'Life, isn't it?'

Chris grabbed his shoe and socks as well. 'You ask me to move in, then tell me your afraid of me?'

Jessica leaned over and grabbed his shoulder. 'No, no, you don't understand. I'm not afraid of you. Life, its just a lot, isn't it?'

'Don't I make it better, though?'

'You make it so much?'

'What does that mean?'

'Oh, babe, I'm just trying to be honest with you- you have to understand, there’s so much, of course, of course I love you,'

'But you don't think I'll make you happy.'

'No, no, of course you will.'

'But?'

'But life! We don't know what's going to happen. A lot is going to happen.'

Chris stood up. He wasn't sure what to feel or who needed comfort the most right now. He didn't know what they deserved.

Jessica wiped her face and then patted the blanket beside her. 'Sit down, sit down, its alright.'

Chris stood there silently.

'You want to marry me, there will be a lot more times like this than the others, you know.' She said.

Chris put his hands on his waist. 'I don't get it. I don't know what you're worrying about. Why are you thinking about it all like this?'

'I can't help it.'

'Today's got it's own problems, doesn't it?

'What, like yours?'

Chris smirked. 'Yeah, ouch.'

'Why don't you just relax, leave tomorrow's problems for tomorrow?'

'They aren't the same.'

'No?' He said, turning towards the forest, 'They can't be left alone.'

'Don't know what's going to happen?'

'Need to make something happen, have to make it. Can't wait for it.'

'What you going to make?'

He crouched down and picked up the backpack? 'What?'

'You don't trust?'

'No, I don't. I need to make it happen.'

'Not as scary, then, is it?'

Chris shook his head as he looked down deep into his bag.

'What a shame.'

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